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Carmen Brown is a wife and mother to five children. She is the creator of Married by His Grace blog. Her passions involve staying connected with her family, drinking an immense amount of coffee daily, and developing content that will help and encourage women to build their homes on the word of God. You can connect with Carmen on her blog, Instagram, and Pinterest.

 

 

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Have you ever felt so helpless that your breath was taken away? That with desperation all you could do was pray over and over for everything to be ok?

 

I remember walking with the weakest legs I ever felt in my life, to the very end of the hallway in the children’s hospital. Every inch of my legs were trembling, till I finally fell to the ground in the last waiting area. It was as far as my strength could take me. I was doing all that I could to avoid the sounds of the nurses preparing my son for another surgery.

His second surgery within thirty six hours.

I grabbed my phone to call my mother, whom at this point had been answering my phone calls  in the middle of the night since Malachi was just two weeks old. When she answered the phone, I was hunched over against the sofa in the waiting room sobbing.

She immediately knew the situation worsened. Without me saying a word, she repeated several times, “I need you to be strong baby, he needs you to be strong.” With the little strength I had in me, I cried louder and said, “I can’t mom, I can’t do it.”

Malachi was three months and two days old. Eight weeks prior, my husband and Malachi’s assigned surgeon debated for two hours the pros and cons of taking our child into surgery immediately as he was just a fews week old versus waiting till his three month mark.

The pro of waiting was that his newborn body had more chances to endure the invasive surgery than if we didn’t.

The con to waiting was that Malachi may not make it to his three month mark without the surgery.

It was the hardest decision we ever had to make as parents.

It was the hardest decision we ever had to make as parents. Click To Tweet

After giving our definite answer to the surgeon that we would be waiting till he was three months, my husband and I drove home with our seven week old baby.

As we drove out of the parking garage I told my husband to pull over. I jumped into the backseat to sit next to Malachi. I looked into his eyes and repeated the scripture that I said to him everyday since he was just 10 weeks old in my womb. The same scripture I said to him the moment he came into the world and the same scripture I repeated out loud the previous three weeks while he had episodes of constant crying due to pain.

“You are strong and courageous, do not tremble or be dismayed, for your Lord God is with you wherever you may go.” Joshua 1:9 (ESV)  

This verse was special to me because God spoke it to me the day I found out I was pregnant with Malachi. Since the pregnancy was not something I was afraid of but instead joyous about, I immediately took it as: this will be his scripture.

My baby will know this scripture and live in knowing that God will be with him wherever he may go. I felt connected with my son through speaking that scripture over him.

As I sobbed on the phone with my mother, I could heard the rustling of her clothing then her car starting all within minutes. She repeated Joshua 1:9 to me gently and softly; the same way I would repeat to Malachi every time he was hurting.

A nurse tapped on my shoulder to tell me my husband was looking for me. I quickly hung up the phone. As I walked passed ten closed doors to rooms of young children at 2:30 am, my heart sank to the floor. My breathing was rapid and my ears felt pierced by the sounds of my sons bed rolling out to the hallway. My husband reached for me as they came out of the room and said, “They just finished preparing him, the surgeon wants him in the OR right away.”.

As soon as the elevator doors opened, my mother walked off. She hugged me and looked over to my son. She saw how swollen his body was and how he was barely breathing on his own. Lovingly, she held my hand, looked straight into my eyes and said, “He is going to be ok, you have to believe that”

As we took the next available elevator down to the main floor, I thought about how it was the scariest elevator ride I have ever taken. It was one that I knew once the doors opened it could be the last time I saw my son.

When the elevator doors finally opened, they handed me a clipboard and asked me to sign three papers. One was to begin a blood transfusion, the second was to start a breathing tube, and the final was a consent to resuscitate if needed.

I signed as fast as I could. The surgeon and anesthesiologist rushed ahead taking Malachi as the nurse stood behind for just enough moments to tell us that she did not know how long the surgery was going to be. This time no one would be able to step out to give updates for the situation was too vital for anyone to leave their position.

We sat in the waiting room for over four hours before any news came to us. We were exhausted, scared, felt alone, and was in constant prayer with a tone of desperation.

Our son endured a four and half hour surgery and came out of with complications that broke our hearts but also strengthened us and gave us hope because he was still there. He was still breathing, still able to recover, and still able to grow from it all.

As we watched through the glass doors of eight medical staff members having a meeting in our sons ICU room after his surgery, I repeated: “You are strong and courageous, do not tremble or be dismayed, for your Lord God is with you wherever you may go.” over and over in my head.

Weeks later, while still in the hospital the Lord showed me, the scripture He gave me one year prior, was not just for my son to grow in but for me to also grow in.

At the moments I felt I could not go any further, the words, “Do not tremble or be dismayed, your Lord God is with you” would be spoken to me or would come pouring off of my lips.

Gods’ love was undeniable to us even through all the painClick To Tweet

Gods’ love was undeniable to us even through all the pain we had endured as a family for the first year of Malachi’s life. His love was merciful, graceful, and more than we could ever comprehend. He prepared us with His word. We were able to speak life to our son and to each other through all we were about to endure and persevere through.  

God molded us into building strength months ahead of time. I may not have understood it when He handed the scripture to me to speak over my son but to be able to come into revelation of the power of that scripture was greater than anytime that He could have blantly told us what it was for.

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing James 1:2-4 (ESV)

My prayer today is that we take heed to His words and that we count it all joy when He prepares us and gives us direction. The Lord God does not leave us or forsake us. He is with us wherever we may go.

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I am so thankful that Carmen has shared her story with us! If she encouraged you, be sure to check out her site!

Do you have a story of victory to share?

Let us know in the comments below or by using the hashtag #walkinvictory2018! I would love to read your stories!