She chose hope introductions
This month’s She Chose Hope story touches on something that so deeply resonates with me. Rachel vulnerably shares the pain and struggle of letting ourselves hope whenever there is so much pain. Her post touches on chronic illness, mourning your formerly healthy self, and the other side of pain that we often don’t recognize in the thick of our struggle.
“The Other Side of the Yoke” is part of the She Chose Hope Stories series. To read the other incredible and encouraging stories, click here.
The other side of the yoke – By: Rachel Trusty
The last thing I thought I’d learn anything about, or write about after getting sick two years ago, was hope. But here we are, learning exactly the opposite of what we expected. I owe that to my Savior, who has more hope for me than I will ever have because He knows the growth I will get from what hurts now.
Two years ago on Thanksgiving Day 2019, I got so sick. The story has had twists and turns as I’ve had surgeries, new doctors, and found out what was actually going on inside my body. It should have been short. It should have been simple. These last two years should have been filled with other things. But I’m still recovering.
The cause for my illness was discovered in January this year when I went to the ER and underwent emergency exploratory surgery. The doctors found that my appendix had ruptured, but my body had walled off the area, letting me live at the same time my body fought the infection for an entire year.
The effects of an infection sitting inside you like that are innumerable, and honestly unimaginable to me previously. There was so much physical pain as my organs were pulled to the infected area, and stuck together. Everything seemed wrong, even my tears burned my eyes because of the infection that was affecting every part of my body.
But there were also psychological struggles.
I had PTSD. I felt hopeless, and almost too tired to care if I would ever have hope again. I remember laying in my bed, having severe stomach pain, and asking Heavenly Father if there was any future. I wasn’t sure why at the time, but I felt like I didn’t have a future like any life, marriage, or family was something I would ever get to have. I wasn’t sure I cared if it was anymore, because I felt too terrible, too tired to go on from where I was.
Now I know that if it weren’t for my surgery in January, those feelings would have been very true, and predicting the absence of a future would have been correct.
Have you heard the quote about a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step? I’ve thought a lot about the journey I’ve been on the last two years…
One of the most interesting, and sometimes painful, aspects of this particular journey has been comparing the highs to the lows.
That night, laying in my bed, with the literal absence of a future, was one of the lowest. That was the most hopeless I have ever been. I felt detached from hope, and from my Father in Heaven and my Savior. Those feelings may have come from my physical state, but weren’t any less real, or any less habit forming.
I have had to relearn beliefs. My belief in hope, in God’s love, in possibilities. But it has been more than relearning. I have more hope now than I ever had before! But sometimes I haven’t understood how the pain led to this hope.
How can I have nearly lost my life, and know how much worse things can be than I ever knew before, and at the same time, see far more possibilities for good than I ever did before?
This is when I think about Christ, and the hope He must be capable of holding. Consider that! You know the agony, the pain He suffered in atoning for you. But think! How happy do you believe He is capable of feeling? How much deeper is His heart’s ability to be filled with joy? How many more times is He able to smile in pure delight, than you and I are?
He has felt your pain, and mine, and your best friend’s.
He endured so much hurt but has unbelievable possibilities and joy open to Him. I wonder sometimes if pain and joy are more related than we think.
Some days, I mourn the girl I was before that Thanksgiving Day. I want her health back, and I want her naivety. I want to be totally unaware of the pain a body can live through. I want to be just as happy! Now, I wonder if I can be happier than that naive girl, the one who hadn’t suffered what I have.
I’ve stared into the mirror and wondered if I look weathered, aged both physically and emotionally, but now I wonder if I can appear more full of joy. I wonder if the exhaustion that’s been in my eyes can turn into a brightness that wasn’t there before. I wonder if there can be more depth.
I think our Father in Heaven designed us to grow like ripples in water. I think we can only grow in every direction at once. Sure, I’ve known life’s potential for pain, but if hope is the other piece to pain, that means I know life’s pure potential!
The good I feel unable to hope for, to expect in my future, can come because of the struggle it is to feel hope today.
Jesus tells us to take His yoke upon us. What if yokes are how Jesus works? A yoke cannot be one-sided. What if the yoke of pain you have on your back, is you just looking at one side of that burden?
What if the other side of the yoke of pain is hope?
That means that this much sorrow, the depth of hopelessness you feel today, is able to bring as much joy tomorrow.
After these last two years, that’s a lot of good! And that’s what I’m hoping for.
We have our Savior as our example, as a blueprint for how we can have more goodness, more joy… more hope.
Hope gained through the pain you feel this very minute. I believe He is here for your sorrows and is excited for the hope that will fill the space your pain has created.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Creating characters that reflect human thoughts and emotions is Rachel’s favorite part of writing. Rachel wrote very little until her senior year of high school when she realized that she could fill a sheet of paper with her own words. When that discovery was made, the pretend and imaginary that lived inside her head could finally come out. Her first book was published when Rachel was only 18 years old. She has written contemporary and historical young adult fiction. Exploring the world around her, learning about cultures and places, and people watching, brings new inspiration to her every day. Rachel can be found on Instagram and YouTube. You can also check out her books on Amazon here.
