a She Chose HOpe Story by Hannah schoenig
To read the additional stories in the She Chose Hope series, click here.
HOPE THAT FAILS
Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Romans 5:1-5, ESV
I had a beautiful childhood.
Raised in a strong family of faith, I got to know Jesus at a young age. I was an intentional friend, a giver of wise advice, and a shoulder to cry on.
My friends nicknamed me “Mamma Hannah” because I maintained relational peace in a group project of ten sixth-grade girls. I shared my faith with my friends and appeared to everyone, including myself, a perfect Christian girl. That was my identity.
Yet I understood very little of the Gospel. I saw my salvation as something relevant only to the afterlife. Here and now, my purpose and worth were in my performance. I believed Jesus died for my sins, but felt He wasn’t pleased with me unless I proved myself to Him. I was striving to be perfected by the flesh.
Galatians 3:3, ESV
During my sophomore year of high school, my clean, controlled world began falling to pieces around me. I couldn’t fix everything anymore. Multiple friends were hospitalized for eating disorders and it seemed like it could be caught like the flu.
Another’s parents were in a court battle that impacted every waking minute of her life. Another close friend was self-harming in secret. That stung since I found my value in being everyone’s confidant. My savior complex manifested to its most damaging extent when my first close guy friend made me his crutch in dealing with his depression, sharing every detail with me.
I believed being a good friend meant I had to carry him emotionally.
School was hard, and my first ever final grade below an A was a blow to my self-image. But I was so weary, I had to give up caring about that.
The aftermath of that year’s events brought deep, dark depression knocking on my door while surfacing family wounds and brokenness shook my security even further. My life felt meaningless, and I wanted to escape from the pain of my worthlessness. My self-made identity and all the striving I’d built my hope on came back void.
Through my despair my Savior showed me my need for Him.
The Gospel came into color. I didn’t only need salvation from Hell– I needed salvation from myself, from my sin, today. From my pride in believing that I could be good enough to prove anything to God.
My Father began to teach me about the identity He had already given me – which didn’t depend on me at all. I remember a specific moment in my high school hallway when He spoke to my heart: “You are enough, completely and only because I made it so when I, Lord of the universe, took on your weakness and died in your place to restore our relationship.”
The depression didn’t end at that moment.
Its dark cloud still pursued. But God’s goodness and mercy were following me, too (ref. Psalm 23:6). Walking along the creek I’d blissfully played in as a little girl, I prayed and cried the Shepherd’s Psalm aloud when I felt no hope.
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want… He restores my soul… leads me in paths of righteousness… Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me… and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
Psalm 23:1,3-4,6, ESV
The hope in those words kept me going when I felt like nothing would ever change. He was with me all the way through this valley of the shadow, and eventually, I emerged from it.
NOW MY EYES HAVE SEEN HIM (JOB 42:5)
My sophomore year of college I went to Nicaragua to intern with missionary friends. Shortly before the trip I had a profound experience of healing from depression through a prayer night at church. My time in Nicaragua was a dream come true.
I was serving in a remote area among an indigenous people group, teaching their young women about the Gospel and the identity they could find in Christ. This was how God was redeeming the pain I’d experienced in high school!
But several weeks after an experience of intense spiritual warfare that had me operating in a fight-flight-or-freeze mode for several days, I found myself back in overwhelming depression. While the Lord protected me through the traumatic event, fear gripped me and held on for a long time.
I arrived home hopeless.
I had believed I was done with depression forever, so its presence was intensified by shame, discouragement, confusion, and anger. I couldn’t understand why God would heal me and then allow me to return to this pit, and to fall even deeper.
I felt no hope that I could get better.
I didn’t want to die, yet death seemed the only way to survive. Mistrustful of myself, I could only trust God. Where else could I go? (ref. John 6:68). It was in this time that I knew Him, more intimately than ever before.
He was my very life, my moment-to-moment breath. Where I saw no future for myself, had no motivation to leave my bed, and had no control over my emotions, He was the only security I had. Jesus carried me and protected me from myself. He was mightier than my mental illness, sovereign over my spiritual battle, and ever-present in my pain.
He took me on a slow healing journey this time.
I had symptoms of PTSD, Lyme disease, parasites, and vitamin deficiencies I’d developed in Nicaragua. There was no specific moment of deliverance this time. Instead, God used my family, doctors, roommates, mentors, friends, and professors.
He used medicine, counseling, music, prayer, and the church. He revealed His tender love to me through the consistency of many people who stayed by my side when I was helplessly physically, mentally, and spiritually sick.
I will never stop needing His healing.
I am a recovering perfectionist who still relapses into thinking I have to prove myself to God and others. Depression and anxiety are still part of my experience, yet they serve as merciful reminders of my need for Him.
I am not enough. But Jesus is. He has given me the unconditional identity of His beloved daughter. In spite of my lostness, my weakness, and my pride, He chooses me. I am righteous and blameless before Him (Ephesians 1:4-5).
This is my hope: through every suffering in this life, God draws me closer to Himself. I am completely accepted by Him, and He uses everything to deepen my trust. He never leaves my side, no matter the pain or the joy. Gradually, I learn to rest my hope in Him who walks with me, instead of in what goes on around or inside of me.
“Because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of his purpose very clear to the heirs of what was promised, he confirmed it with an oath. God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope set before us may be greatly encouraged. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek.”
Hebrews 6:17-20, eSV
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Hannah is a missionary in Mexico, serving with a local church and an anti-Monet is a wife, mom, writer and entrepreneur, living the messy, unspoken parts of life openly and imperfectly. With the help of coffee and courage, Monet helps women live purposed and embrace wholeness despite brokenness. After enduring her own seasons of hardship and grief, Monet launched Purposed Box, a monthly subscription box helping the everyday woman encounter Jesus in her every day. Find more from Monet on her blog at livingandlovingwhole.com, or on Instagram @monet.carpenter or @purposed.box.
