A She Chose Hope Story by Jolene Fellhauer
The first time I had a concussion was when I was 15 years old. I was bucked off a horse and told I couldn’t ride for 30 days. After which time I was told to “take it easy.”
The first time I needed antidepressants was at 25 after the birth of my second child.
I had never been depressed before and I wasn’t prone to anxiety or mood swings. After my son was born I had begun to have more dramatic mood swings and outbursts of anger. The first check-up after my son was born when my doctor asked how I was doing, I burst into tears.
A short discussion later he sent me home with some information and a lot of reading material and a follow-up appointment booked for the next week.
Somewhere between that first concussion at 15 and the birth of my son at 25, I had 2 more concussions.
Each more severe than the last. I didn’t know, but the damage caused by successive concussions continues to have an impact on the brain and includes things like mood swings and depression and other mental health-related challenges.
I had been raised a Christian and taught to turn to God in moments of hardship but it seemed no matter how much I prayed, my attitude didn’t seem to improve.
Still, I continued to struggle with feelings of anger, bouts of tears and eventually, all those negative experiences I had as a kid growing up began to nag at me constantly. My self-esteem began to plummet and no matter what I did or how much I prayed, things didn’t seem to improve. The negativity in my mind just kept bubbling to the surface.
Fast forward another 10 years and I was a workaholic and well on my way to a breakdown.
I ended up taking stress leave after another doctor appointment caused me to break down into tears, with no real reason as to why. I just knew something wasn’t ok. Work was too much but I didn’t know how my employer could help me with my workload because it “didn’t seem to be too much” when I listed my responsibilities.
When I combined it with everything else that was happening in life, it was too much and it took a lot for me to admit that.
For the second time in my life, I was put on antidepressants. This time I had two older kids who noticed a change in my mood within a few short months. I didn’t notice a change until I tried to quit taking them and then started to feel like my life was falling apart again.
Need support while you walk through depression? Join our May 2022 Bible Study – Never Alone: Walking With God Through Depression.
Then the questions started.
More tears, more anger, and this time resignation that this was just my life now. I was mad at God because I felt like this was something He should just be able to heal me from.
I had memorized Isaiah 53:5 and stood for so many years on that scripture as one of healing for my brain and my emotions and to get me off antidepressants. The NKJV translation says,
“But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; The chastisement for our peace was upon Him, And by His stripes we are healed.”
Isaiah 53:5, NKJV
All I focused on for such a long time were the words, “…by His stripes we are healed.” While the Bible does say that Jesus died for our sins and bore our sickness and that yes, we are healed – I believe for a number of years that I was missing the key message in the Word.
1 Peter 2:24-25 says,
“He Himself bore our sins in His body on the tree, so that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. “By His stripes you are healed.” For “You were like sheep going astray, “ but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.”
1 Peter 2:24-25, NKJV
When I finally began to stop fighting against the help the meds were giving me and I began to settle myself more into God’s whole word (not just the pieces I wanted to apply to me), I began to see that no matter how I felt about my problems, they actually helped draw me near to God.
The Bible also says that all things work together for His good (Romans 8:28).
As I mature and spend more time in the Word of God, cultivating a more personal relationship with Him, I am learning that while He did not intend for us to be sick or hurt or broken in any way, the things that happen can be used to bring others hope and into a deeper relationship with God.
The story of Job comes to mind as I type this and I think about how tough things were for him. Job lost everything! Yet through it all, he remained God’s faithful servant. In the end Job’s story serves as a powerful testament to what can happen when one submits to God.
There are so many examples in the Bible about the struggles and suffering of so many who believe and trust in God.
In each of those stories, you see that trust is rewarded by a blessing in the end. It might not be what the person was thinking or hoping for, but it was a blessing nonetheless. Through all the years I have spent dealing with the challenges in my mental health I am finally beginning to find encouragement in the stories of those who have made it into the Bible.
Being told to have faith, to continue to stand on God’s promises, and to expect Him to deliver me from whatever struggle I am facing in the moment, are all bringing me closer to God. I spend more time focusing on Him and less time focusing on my struggles. I believe that God has given us a way to deal with our problems so that we can endure and even thrive in our struggles.
Getting help is allowed, and searching for answers is allowed.
We as humans were never meant to do things alone. What is important is that we remember that God should be our first go-to.
Need support while you walk through depression? Join our May 2022 Bible Study – Never Alone: Walking With God Through Depression.
About the Author
Jolene Fellhauer is an Indigenous writer who is determined to share her culture with others around her in the form of poetry, short stories, and other writing opportunities that present themselves. Jolene is working on writing her first novel based on the stories and legends of her People. After obtaining a Bachelor’s Degree in Natural Resource Sciences, Jolene spent a number of years working in forestry and has recently moved into the field of agriculture. Jolene enjoys the outdoors, hiking, writing, spending time with her family, and numerous pets including 1 horse, 2 dogs, and a turtle. She is also gathering a large collection of house plants.
Connect with Jolene on Facebook, LinkedIn, Instagram, or her website.
